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Submitted on
December 18, 2008


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Journal Entry: Thu Dec 18, 2008, 11:30 PM

An Open Letter to a Sleeping Boy

When you still had breath to speak, when your fingertips, not ashes yet, composed your last emails, we talked about what we were going to do with ourselves now that we'd graduated, now that we'd just had our eighteenth birthdays and now that we were probably grown up.

You would tell me about taking new pictures for your book; about the the clothes they had you model in, and about not feeling confident. You would tell me about how everyone at the office you were working at loved you. I knew why they loved you.

I would tell you about how I was making progress with my portfolio, and how I was nervous about presenting it to an admissions counselor at Art Center. I would tell you about how I was working on a new drawing of you, and about not feeling confident. I met with the counselor because you made me feel like I could do it.

A few weeks later, I met with the psychiatrist because after you died, I didn't think I could do anything, and I didn't. I didn't want to draw new things if I wasn't going to be able to show you what I did, especially if you weren't going to be able to model in new photoshoots or write new poems for me to read. I didn't want to go to college and have new stories to tell you if telling you stories wasn't something I could do. So I disregarded my plans to apply to Art Center, and ended up not showing up for the remainder of the semester of classes I was taking at the community college.

So for two years, I've been a brooding mess. I've known the whole time that this isn't the type of person you remember, but fighting to become some amazing illustrator with a lost best friend in mind is hard to do right away.

Two weeks ago, I finished my submission portfolio to Art Center and hand delivered it to the south campus 30 minutes before the deadline. My written statement is about you.

Today I received an acceptance letter and scholarship. I start classes on January 14th, and I'm gonna kick ass.

I want you to know that you're still the fire in my chest and the glow behind my eyes. I'm not going to walk into my first class as one of the amazing kids who stands out as gifted but none of the other kids hold a muse's hand, and I'm going to grow to make you proud. Seeing pictures of you doesn't make me sad anymore, it doesn't hurt to read notes you've written, and now when someone asks who my signature here on deviantART is about, I smile to think that it's about you.

Current Projects

Fortune Cookie 5%

In high school, I took AP Art Workshop 3 times, and every year after our portfolios were turned in, we were each given a fortune cookie and assigned to use our fortune as a theme for a piece.  





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Rain-drop Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2009  Student
Similarly to grenadewings, I lost my father just a month or so ago. This journal entry speaks to me very much. I love the idea that you have been empowered and found your strength again because of your love for your friend.

He is very, very proud of you. I am proud of you, and I don't even really know you. I think it is amazing that you got through the tough times and were strong, and submitted that portfolio. It is also encouraging to me right now in the beginnings of grief, to know that eventually, it doesn't hurt so much anymore.

I do sort of wonder, you picked up the pen again. I am having a sort of pause in my creative work, too, and wondering how long the pause is going to last.

Very inspiring entry.

azuzephre Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2009  Student
It was a gradual thing for me. I didn't draw at all really for the first few months, and then I would just like scribble in notebooks and draw things really fast, but never to be taken seriously. It's been over two years since the accident and it's still not as easy as it was to sit down and focus on a serious project. It happens, but it doesn't flow like it should.

Hang in there. <3
Rain-drop Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2009  Student
Thank you for the words of encouragement! :)

It is interesting to hear how you went along with recovering the creative process. I say recovering, not getting it back, because these things change us forever, and there is no getting over it.

Good luck to you on continuing the gradual process with your creative endeavors. I hope that I can slowly inch forward and up, like you did. :)
zelayda Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2008   Photographer
Awwh, Azu, that's so sweet to know that now you're going to take classes with his memory. Not quite moving on, but bringing his memory with. I almost cried~ ;u;
Congrats and good luck!
grenadewings Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
I've read this a lot. I lost my father last month and this just made me think of how I'm going to feel in a year or two. Right now it doesn't seem like there it ever going to be a calm after this storm, but I guess eventually I'll just want to be who he tried to make me . . .unique and amazing. I'm so sorry that you or anyone has to go through the pain of lossing someone you love and I hope the best for you.
Anoya Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2008   Photographer
You've brought tears in my eyes with this letter. It's beautiful. I'm very sorry for your loss, I think I've been watching you long enough to know how you've lost him. It's good to read that you can read, talk and think of him again without being sad all the time. I'm sure he's so damn proud of you, just like you should be as well, if you weren't already.
I'm glad he's (still) your muse, not a lot of people have one, like you're saying as well. He's the fire in your art, like someone else already said. He might not be there to talk to you, listen to you or write poetry that you can read, but he is still there. For as long as he's in your heart, he's still alive and being there with and for you.

Congratulations on the acceptance and the scholarship, you're gonna kick ass indeed. :heart:
BMDphotography Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2008   Photographer
He is proud of you, and you've been growing.

Now blossom, flourish, and live the life you want to live.
He'll be right there supporting you all the way.

Along with all of us out there that support you.

Congratulations Jeff.
NikkiNavaille Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2008  Student Traditional Artist
I'm very happy for you :) this is very inspiring. You're an inspiring person and have inspired me by how you've overcome such a great loss.
Nikoo-StrayDog Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2008
maybe I misunderstand something cause I cannot speak english and my grammar...
but maybe I understand it and in that case I'm envy. cause, I wanna be like him, to anybody. :hmm:
Tharshinaa Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2009  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Um... please check your signature. It's funny you overlooked it. XD
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